Unfinished Business

                     

Necessary Vocabulary for this Post: DNF
Literal Meaning: Did Not Finish. 
Frequently made a verb, as in, "I DNFed that book."
While the acronym implies starting and never finishing, it is generally not used to denote a book that is still, theoretically, in progress. Rather, DNF is a way of saying, with finality, that you have quit a book. You have slammed it shut. You do not plan to finish it. At least not until something significant changes in the way you view either that book or the world. 

I have so much Unfinished Business in my reading life: series I started and never completed, books I DNFed but now think might deserve a second chance, and books that left me with questions I needed a few years and a reread to answer.


Do you have Unfinished Business too?


Let me give you some examples and explain along the way why I think cleaning up literary Unfinished Business is important for mental health and growth.

Series I Never Finished
It was pretty common for me to find the first couple books in a series from a small, local library, love them, but then have a hard time getting my hands on the rest.
I think each unfinished story left a little wound. I got invested in the characters and then accidentally abandoned them to whatever danger or internal struggle they were facing, and in doing so, I abandoned myself to whatever the story was helping me work through. This might not make sense to you, and that's okay. Stories help me get through life. They help me see my own mess through a different set of eyes, and each story helps me get a little less messy. At any rate, I'm bothered by each story I haven't finished, so I'm being really intentional at this stage of my life about remembering and going back and finishing things.

                                            

The Children of the Lamp series by P.B. Kerr is one of these. It's a seven-book series about a pair of twin siblings who discover, at the age of 12, that they are djinn. They grant wishes, pop in and out of lamps, and, naturally, take on the forces of evil in the djinn world. It's very Arabian Nights, elementary edition. I found the first two books in a little Christian school library somewhere around fifth grade and convinced the librarian, *cough* my mom, to add the third one when it came out. And then I'm not really sure what happened. I didn't see hide or tail of the fourth book until I was eighteen and wandering around a Borders. By that point I had pretty nearly forgotten the story, but I read it anyway, trying to pick up the where I'd left off. It didn't feel the same. Reading it without remembering well just created a disconnect. I could have sought out further books, but I didn't.

It wasn't until this Spring that I started thinking about it again, did a little research, and discovered that the series was finally complete and available at my (much larger) local library. So I went back to the beginning. Sometimes you have to do that. I've reread the first two books, and I hope to complete this bit of Unfinished Business by the end of the year.

                                                 

The story was a little different with Madeline L'Engle's Austin Family Chronicles, a series I started in highschool by accident. I had just finished the Time Quintet, loved it, and picked up what I thought was a standalone L'Engle novel at a used bookstore. Turns out it was the fifth and last book in the Austins series: Troubling a Star. I loved it, but also got the feeling that I had missed a huge amount of the story. But did I learn my lesson? No. Not knowing exactly why Troubling a Star felt so incomplete, I picked up A Ring of Endless Light in college thinking it, too, was a standalone novel. Turns out it was the fourth book in the series, which I was now reading backwards. A month or two ago, I finally picked up the first book like a Normal Human and thoroughly enjoyed reading the beginning. Now all I have to do is read books two and three. But in Which Order? I haven't decided.

Books That Needed a Second Chance

I've only DNFed a few books in my life. I hate doing it; it feels so wrong. The first time I ever did it was with a book called Wringer by Jerry Spinelli. It was about a little boy who had to kill birds by wringing their necks, and it disturbed me so much I had to just put it down. I felt sick. Both about the story and about not finishing it, but every subsequent DNF has been easier.
(I just realized it kind of sounds like I'm talking about the first time I killed someone and how each subsequent kill got a little easier. Oops. But I stand by it.) I have no intention of ever resurrecting Wringer.

But not every DNF is like that. There are a few books I put down for good reasons and finally picked up again for different good reasons.

                                                 

This was the case with Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta. I borrowed this book from my small-town library in early highschool based on sheer cover love, and I was hooked from the first page. Absolutely riveted. It's a multi-generational mystery with multi-generational pain. It's beautiful and harsh and honest and problematic.

**Spoilers Ahead** A romance developed on the side between the female lead and the boy who captained the troops on the other side of a war between boarding schools. It was low-key violent and high-key mean. The relationship began with a concerning level of pushing each other around, which shifted through tense and mistrustful make-out sessions, to genuine affection. The deeply-rooted mystery kept me hooked through one sexual encounter between two adult side characters, but by that point I knew I shouldn't still be reading. The language, violence, and sex were all aspects I knew my parents did not approve, but I desperately hoped I could get to the end before admitting that to myself because the story was So Good. But then, a few chapters from the end--So Painfully Close to the end--it became apparent that the two main characters were about to have sex in an alley.**Spoilers Complete**

 I closed it. And I cried. I told my parents. I tried to get the library to move it to the adult section so that no other unsuspecting naive virgin mind like my own would be so blindsided, but to no avail. Apparently librarians view even the slightest challenge to a book as an attempt to squelch free speech. I'm not entirely sure I disagree, but it hurt at the time. The whole thing really hurt at the time. And the unsolved mystery burned in the back of my mind. This book haunted me FOR YEARS.

And finally, sometime in my college era, I just sat down and asked myself why I couldn't just finish it. Why I couldn't just find out how the goshdarn thing ended. So I bought it. And I read it. And I cried. Because after the characters do what they do, they go on to solve the mystery. And it's sad. And poignant. And hopeful. And beautiful.

And Some Stories Are Worth Wading Through A Little Yuckiness, Okay?

This book is now one of my favorites in the whole wide world. Would I recommend it to just anyone? No. But it did make me reevaluate my book standards. Do I believe I compromised my morals to read this book in full? No. If you read books To Be Entertained and Nothing Else, then your moral standards ought to be pretty tight, I think. After all, if you're just opening your brain and dumping stuff in, then it should probably be as pure as possible. But that is not and has never been how and why I read. I read to learn. I read to see. To evaluate. To feel. I read to Think. So will I read Fifty Shades of Grey so that I can Think Deeply About the Themes? Ummm NO. But I will never again close a book just because a character commits a sin that the Christian community has arbitrarily decided is Particularly Yucky. I'll probably take up this topic again in a later post.

                                                 

Moving on. The Sword Bearer by John White, book number one in the Chronicles of Narnia-like Archives of Anthropos, is a book I accidentally DNFed. I call it a DNF because it was, at the time, quite permanent. I had picked up the first book in publish order: The Tower of Geburah in Ivory Coast, Africa when I was nine. The volumes belonged to my mother and had been left behind in Africa after our first evacuation, but we were back and hopeful that the country would stay stable. I was midway through The Iron Scepter when the first bombs dropped. I started The Sword Bearer a day or two before we started packing our bags. And I do mean bags. 20 kilos apiece is all we were allowed to bring on the military transport when the UN pulled us out. It wasn't until I was on the jet that I realized I'd left the book behind.
I accidentally left that book in my home on a different continent and never ever got to go back to that home. A new copy just arrived in the mail last week, 15 years later. I don't remember the series being that good, but I am going to finish it. There are some things you just have to do to heal.

Books That Needed Rereading by an Older Me

This last category is much harder to explain or understand. In much the same way that Jellicoe Road haunted me, there are books I read years ago that have haunted me even though I did finish them. These were books I knew I didn't understand. Books that hurt, and I couldn't tell why. Books that left me with unanswered questions. The best example of this was A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket.

                           

I read these voraciously as they came out. I died waiting for release dates. And all along Snicket said, Don't Read This. You Will Regret Reading This. Read Literally Anything Else. Like most of the avid reading world, I didn't listen. And then I read The End. And I hated Lemony Snicket (or Daniel Handler, if you want to be all correct about it). The series left me with so many gaping wounds. I could not understand at the time how the ending was a good one. I could not come to terms with the fact that the Baudelaires, having been through so much, could not have a traditionally happy ending. It had to be quiet and sad. It had to be that way or it wouldn't have been real. It wasn't until I had a talk with Marli Hutchinson about the series, which she adores, that I began to realize I was wrong to hate Mr. Snicket. Marli's beautiful, sad, artist soul helped me realized that it's okay if you never get over the death of Dewey Denouement. You Shouldn't ever get over the death of Dewey Denoument. That's the whole point. **SORRY SPOILERS, DEWEY DIES**

So by the time the Netflix series came out (Which Is Amazing by the way), I was ready to tackle a reread. It was worth it. No one but Lemony Snicket has ever taken such time and care to talk to children about hardship and evil and injustice in the world. No one has ever been so honest or funny or raw or hopeful all at the same time. It's wisdom packaged in the ridiculous and macabre. If you want to read more about A Series of Unfortunate Events, see my sister's extensive reviews from her own reread: Books 1-3, Books 4-6, Books 7-9, Books 10-12, and Book 13 on her blog, Out of Coffee, Out of Mind.

I've found that the more I've undertaken to revisit these childhood loose ends, the more I've uncovered. And it's been such a beautiful season of reading because of it. I'm quite literally turning the page on some painful bits of childhood, and it's fixed some bruised places in my soul.

All that to say, don't be afraid to retrace your steps in your reading life. Sometimes revisiting something old is better for your insides than reading something brand new. 

Let me know what you think in the comments. 

A Balanced Reading Diet

                  

[I've peppered this post with the covers of some books I've read or been thinking about recently, sans commentary. Feel free to ask.]

You've just finished a book. It was fantastic. You cried a little. You called up a friend to talk about it. You lovingly shelved or regretfully returned it to the library. Now you look around your life and feel that gaping hole in your existence. You need something else to read.

What do you do? How do you decide what to read next?

                                         

Who am I kidding? This never happens to me. One, I've always got multiple books in progress, so it's very rare for me to feel that gaping hole. Every once in a while I make myself finish everything I've got going before I start anything else, but even then, Two, I always know Exactly which book I want to start the minute the last one is done.

Which is why I'm writing this post.

I'm intentional to the point of neurotic about my reading diet. Let me show you.

              TBR = To Be Read, implies a list or a pile. Use: "It's on my TBR."

I have a massive TBR.

There are four ways books make my TBR:

1) Recommendations 

I'm careful with recommendations. People are so different. What deeply resonates with one person can rub another the wrong way. Individuals often recommend that which is uniquely their own taste, and that ends up being a hit or miss kind of thing. However, if I hear the words, "You would really like this book," from someone who gets me, then I will probably read it. If I hear the words, "You are reading this. This is not a suggestion," then I will read it. If I get the same recommendation from multiple people, I will probably read it. If I've been eyeing a book for a while, wondering if it's any good, and I get a recommendation from Literally Anyone, I will read it. At the end of the day, recommendations can push me out of my literary comfort zone, and that can be a really good thing, even if I don't end up loving the book.

                                          

2) Hype

If a book is being recommended all across Booktube, debated all over Twitter, featured on every Bookstagram from here to Russia, or inspiring Fanart on Pinterest, then I'm probably going to read it. Eventually. I'm often late to the game on hyped books, but I nearly always enjoy them. If a book is widely loved across millions of readers, then there's something to like about it. Or at least to think deeply about. Even if the writing isn't great (*cough* Veronica Roth) or the romance is cringy (*cough* Stephanie Meyer), there is always something the author captured, however clumsily, that in turn captured a ton of hearts, and to me, that's nearly always worth the experience.

                                            
3) Controversy

Controversy is like salt, I don't like too much of it in my reading diet, but some is good. It keeps my thought life from becoming bland. Reading controversial books gives me the chance to join in the conversations. It makes me think about that which I'm actively avoiding. That which I am just too self-centered to consider. That which I can't imagine and need someone to show me. And oftentimes after reading something from a wildly different point of view I still disagree, just with more compassion. And that's important.

4) It was Shiny

Sometimes I'm just cruising a bookstore or wandering a library or scrolling through Goodreads and I spot something. And then I buy it. Or borrow it. Or download it. First I'm "just looking around," then two seconds later I'm 100 pages into a book I had no idea I needed in my life. I love this. I love when I meet books like this. It shouldn't work out so consistently well, but it does.

                                             

You CAN Judge A Book By Its Cover. The more an editor believes in a book's potential, the better the cover art and title will be. If you're drawn to a cover, there's often a good reason. Good cover art communicates the spirit of a story, so if you're really into the art, then that book is probably worth your time. Don't believe me? Walk into a bookstore and buy the book to which you're most visually attracted. Tell me you don't love it. I dare you.

Moving on. 

Once a book is on my TBR, it's just a matter of time and priority.

At any given time I like to have something going in each of the following categories:

1) 1-2 Physical Fiction Books. These are the books I read on my lunch break. That I read in bed. That I read while Jon plays video games. That I read while walking. That I read in the bath. You get the idea.

2) 1 Book on Kindle. I don't use an actual Kindle for this, just the app on my phone. I usually reserve this slot for extra-long books that are just too heavy to lug around. Aside from the sheer convenience, a book on Kindle is really great for when I want to read in bed, but Jon wants the light off because he's trying to sleep. Marriage is all about compromise, right?

                                              

3) 2-3 Audiobooks. One for the car, and one or two for everywhere else. Audiobooks are my bread and butter. I listen while I'm folding laundry. I listen at work. I listen when I'm doing yoga or cooking or walking or putting together a puzzle. Sometimes I struggle to pay enough attention, but generally speaking, it's a great way to get a lot of reading done while still completing other necessary tasks. Almost any book worth reading is available in audio format through your local library, Hoopla, Audible, and even Youtube.

4) 1 Book of Nonfiction, Short Stories, Essays, or Poetry just to break things up. I don't rush myself. I just take it slow and enjoy it over the course of a month or two.

Into each of these categories I am intentional about getting a good mix of the following:

1) Classics
Classics can be slow and linguistically difficult, but they are a million times worth it. I also love me a good retelling. There's nothing like a fairy tale or Austen novel repackaged for the modern age.

                                                


2) Fresh Titles in a Variety of Genres
Gotta stay up on what's up.

3) Children's Books
I will never ever be too old to read children's books. Children's books are everything.

                                            

5) Rereads
You have to make time to reread your favorite stories. It's important. No matter how thick my TBR gets, I will always find time to reread gems like The Lord of the Rings, A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Inkheart trilogy, and, of course, the Gallagher Academy books.

6) Nonfiction
Never stop learning. I pick my nonfiction based on absolute whim. And why not?

                                                 

7) Graphic Novels
I'm just getting into these. From manga to graphic retellings of classics there is so. much. out there. I love the marriage of visual art and story. It's also perfect when I want something I can finish in an hour or two.                             

8) Series
I find it really easy to start a series and then get distracted with other things, even if it's really good. I have to make myself keep circling back to a series until I finish. I love the breadth and depth of story that can exist within a series. It's a commitment, especially if it's more than four books, but I've found these massive stories become landmarks in my mental landscape, which is really important to me.

                                                 

After that, it's up to my mood on any given day.

This has been just a tiny look into my incredibly convoluted What-To-Read thought process. Coming up next:

Unfinished Business in My Reading Life

See you then!!!